I'm sitting at a desk in a room where I'm fairly certain no one knows what I am doing. I greet people with a smile as they come in and most of the time they greet me. I can feel the judgement they pass on me. I am an outsider to their world with really very little desire of fitting in. It seems they can sense it on me. I feel as though I am masquerading as something I am not. I am constantly yearning for something different, something more me, it's just that I don't know what that might be.
I am happiest when I am in school. I excel there. I'm a good learner. I'm a good presenter and I enjoy academics. Having no true desire to teach I am worried that the lifestyle I have lived to this point of "perpetual student" will have to come to an end. So I wake up each day and convince myself I am excited to go out and do what I do. I convince myself that despite the apprehension I feel I am doing something great. It is a constant debate in my head. One to which I cannot assign a winner or a loser. So it remains a circular discussion that I am hoping for an end to.
NOTE:I foudn this blog in my drafts and chose to publish it as is. Some things have changed - I LOVE TEACHING. I am working on a phd and love my students and my school. I excel at school still and think it may be one of the many avenues I use to make change. I have a new found resolve in what I do.
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