Today, I felt free

I often write about running because it is a pastime of mine. I often ask people to run with me because I wish to share the euphoria that it brings me. I don't do drugs and I don't really like to drink but when I run I feel high, it's my addiction. If I can get past the point where it hurts, where my lungs are collapsing in and my shoulders cramp up then I can breathe through the pain. I can start to relieve all the hurt in my heart and become free and every bit of bitterness, anger, pain and frustration melts away. The harder I run the harder it is for the cynicism and fear to come back into my heart. As the golden leaves reflect their sparkle in my eyes and I feel the beat of the music carry me forward and move my feet, I feel free. It's like you can't touch me if you tried and its no longer me in a chaotic world, it is me at one with a beautiful world. It is in these moments that I want to take you on a run with me. We won't talk, we may not even see each other there but we will run and we will feel free and we will let it all go. It won't matter what happened and where we've been, it won't even matter where we go. We will just be free. And it doesn't matter if the moment we stop the pain and the bitterness crashes down on us because we had a moment of insurmountable glory. We were free. Today, I felt free, I felt rejuvenated by the beautiful Colorado fall and all the stresses I woke up with seem manageable.

Today, I was free.

Running

Sometimes I get entirely overwhelmed with situations that are probably at their core trivial and meaningless. Having just come off a series of conflicts with family and friends a few months ago, I find myself harboring anger that lays dormant inside me. Most days there is no direct reason to be angry at all of the people with which I had somewhat misguided interactions with but there are times where a simple statement of fact, a comment brings back the reminders of the horrible way I felt. It can be a name, an idea, an object. Last night, driving at 1 am, my mind wandered to the name of a woman who I don't even know. Her interactions with me are only through others but are catalysts for change and conflict within my relationships. Without knowing her, her mention, interaction with her, to know that there is any association with her draws me back to a place of anger. Sitting in my car, all I wanted to do was run. Not in the escape my home and live under a bridge where no one knows me sense. Rather, the physical, feet on pavement, hard breathing, really run and get somewhere sense. I run to make myself forget how angry I am. It is my therapy, it is my cure. Sometimes I will run so far and so hard that I forget why I even started running and I feel free again. In a life and world where I have little true independence and freedom, I free my body to free my mind. I hope I find time for a run today.

The Show Must Go On

It is often that I find solace in films and music. They are afterall reflections of our society and they mirror our very real and heartfelt emotions. There's a song the lyrics of which are rather dramatic but remarkably fitting to my present circumstance.

"Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking but my smile still stays on...whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance. Another heartache, another failed romance. Does anybody know what we are living for?"

See, dramatic, but a facade in the face of heartache is not a new concept. Often we put up fronts. Most of the time I hate it when people make good appearances for the sake of others but what if you are making them for your own sake. I've been through a relative shit storm in my personal life in the last few months/weeks, depending on what you consider shitty. I have now come to an impasse. There is little I can do, as an active, type A personality, to ameliorate my situation. As much as I hate to say this, it is what it is. If I lose love I'll have to deal and if I don't I'll get to rejoice. But the struggle to understand the role I play in directing my own destiny is one that doesn't seem to have a clear end in sight.

Bottom line and the most basic way to say it is that my heart hurts and to make it feel better I fake a smile. There is a story in the film Paris Je T'Aime where a man is going to a cafe to tell his wife he is leaving her for another woman. She preempts his news with devastating news of her own. She has cancer and will die soon. He forgets his news and his mistress and as he cares for his wife the narrator tells us, "By pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love."

It is so often that I wish that this could be a reality, that you could pretend your way into your proper feelings. So, for me, today, by pretending to be a person without a broken heart, by pretending to be a person that is happy, maybe I shall become just that.

Bravery

I can tell you know that my thoughts are rather scattered so don't expect eloquence or even too much sense in what I am going to say. I should be studying as we speak but my heart's not in it today.
So it's 2009 now and I made a resolution. Generally I think resolutions are a load of crap and not to offend anyone I think people that make resolutions to lose weight are full of crap as well. I may very well be full of crap also, but I think its important to note that my resolution has served me well so far. I know, you're on the edge of your seat...what was my "2009 New Years Resolution?" To be more brave. I want to be brave, the way kids are brave, the way other people seem fearless, and I don't want it to be a facade, although it might very well start out that way. Since 2008 I have fallen in love and that to me is one of my greatest achievements. I say that with a bit of trepidation, as love is not truly an accomplishment in the traditional sense, rather it is a gift, but a gift that requires patience and courage. This love has taught me that nothing worth having is easy and that being away from eachother does not mean you are alone. It has taught me to be dependant on others and yet taught me its important to be brave. While this love is the most fulfilling experience I've ever had, it is also the loneliest and scariest and it has been important for me not to lose myself. That is why I am brave and when I feel angry, weak or insecure, I remember, I am going to be brave, if for no other reason than because I promised myself I would be that way.
I'm learning to ski. I did it to prove myself to the person I love but now I want to prove myself to me. I was always scared to ski because I had seen a scary accident when I was little, again at age 17 and I went out there anyway. Each time I went to the mountains, my desire to vomit became less and less and I started to pick it up. I was getting into a rhythm and it actually felt good. This past weekend a beautiful and wonderful new friend got hurt in a collision where 2 snowboarders hit us from behind. I cheated death and she went to the hospital. She will survive with some scars but the experience has changed me, quite possibly for the rest of my life. I do, however, believe that without even a second thought, I was brave. I held her hand and told her it was okay and while there were tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I held it together until help got there. I did it for her, I did it for me and I didn't have anyone to hold my hand. I was brave.
For a long while I have been afraid of losing myself to people around me, conflicting influences that all seem to know what's best for me. I am confident now more than any other time that I am me and I live for me. This doesn't mean that I won't love people fully and completely. I will, that's my nature, but I am learning, or maybe even relearning bravery and I am going to prove to myself that this is my life and I am strong, brave and beautiful.

I just read back and I used the word crap 3 times in a matter of sentences...I told you, not eloquent.