I can tell you know that my thoughts are rather scattered so don't expect eloquence or even too much sense in what I am going to say. I should be studying as we speak but my heart's not in it today.
So it's 2009 now and I made a resolution. Generally I think resolutions are a load of crap and not to offend anyone I think people that make resolutions to lose weight are full of crap as well. I may very well be full of crap also, but I think its important to note that my resolution has served me well so far. I know, you're on the edge of your seat...what was my "2009 New Years Resolution?" To be more brave. I want to be brave, the way kids are brave, the way other people seem fearless, and I don't want it to be a facade, although it might very well start out that way. Since 2008 I have fallen in love and that to me is one of my greatest achievements. I say that with a bit of trepidation, as love is not truly an accomplishment in the traditional sense, rather it is a gift, but a gift that requires patience and courage. This love has taught me that nothing worth having is easy and that being away from eachother does not mean you are alone. It has taught me to be dependant on others and yet taught me its important to be brave. While this love is the most fulfilling experience I've ever had, it is also the loneliest and scariest and it has been important for me not to lose myself. That is why I am brave and when I feel angry, weak or insecure, I remember, I am going to be brave, if for no other reason than because I promised myself I would be that way.
I'm learning to ski. I did it to prove myself to the person I love but now I want to prove myself to me. I was always scared to ski because I had seen a scary accident when I was little, again at age 17 and I went out there anyway. Each time I went to the mountains, my desire to vomit became less and less and I started to pick it up. I was getting into a rhythm and it actually felt good. This past weekend a beautiful and wonderful new friend got hurt in a collision where 2 snowboarders hit us from behind. I cheated death and she went to the hospital. She will survive with some scars but the experience has changed me, quite possibly for the rest of my life. I do, however, believe that without even a second thought, I was brave. I held her hand and told her it was okay and while there were tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I held it together until help got there. I did it for her, I did it for me and I didn't have anyone to hold my hand. I was brave.
For a long while I have been afraid of losing myself to people around me, conflicting influences that all seem to know what's best for me. I am confident now more than any other time that I am me and I live for me. This doesn't mean that I won't love people fully and completely. I will, that's my nature, but I am learning, or maybe even relearning bravery and I am going to prove to myself that this is my life and I am strong, brave and beautiful.
I just read back and I used the word crap 3 times in a matter of sentences...I told you, not eloquent.
