Looking for my medium

I'm in an LSAT class, which, to most people is a ready indication of your full and adequate desire to attend law school and in most accounts to become an attorney. I still, however, have not overcome the pit of doubt that resides in the bottom of my stomach. I attend my class and study as I can. My blue books are these haunting reminders I carry with me and a weight on my shoulder; the reason I carry a bag rather than a purse. I'm trying really hard to want this and most of the time I do but on days like today I think, is this my dream?

There is this part of me that refuses to take any job, rather do any job that doesn't directly or positively affect other people in a good way. That is why I wanted to do Teach for America, to affect people, to make a difference in their lives. I often look to what I used to want to do and realize I must not look to what I wanted in the past or what made me happy then, because I have evolved and I have changed and I must now look to what makes me happy. I so often look to what might may make a direct impact and am reminded by stories of history, politics and even my family that maybe I don't need to be directly touching someone to impact their life.

What I mean to say is, I often look to programs like TFA or other non profits and volunteerism to directly impact people thinking this is the only way I can impact people; that that may be my only medium or means of reaching the world, making my mark. What I so frequently forget is that if I maintain my integrity and strength of character in what I do, always, I will make that impact in what I do, whatever it may be. That is not to say I no longer want to reach people, but I so narrowly defined my focus. I look at people I admire, newsman from past and present, film makers, artists, writers, even lawyers. Their impact is not always in what they do one on one to meet us in our lives but in the way they interact with us through their public mediums. I'm looking for my passion, for my dream, for my medium. I'm really just looking.

In the meantime, the studying continues....

“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.” -Edward R. Murrow