Tomorrow is my second LSAT diagnostic. I am dreading it more than I think I have dreaded most things in life. It is in many ways a significant example of my inability to make my own decisions, my clear lack of motivation or desire to succeed in the absence of passion, and worst of all a sign of my procrastination driven by what I would presume to be depression that is highly recognizable but that I steer under the radar in order to function in daily circumstances. The point is, the more the pressure beats down, the more I want to cut and run.
The strange thing is, I've never been the run away type. I've never been the quitting type, or the take time for me type. Only in extreme situations of dire exhaustions have I succumbed to the temptations of procrastination or have I fallen back from an obligation. Rarely had it been an issue of desire. What is it in me then that literally draws me away from my studies and to any other pursuit? My teacher thinks it is some kind of cognitive response to the pressures of the test itself. Others claim self sabotage. Could it be at age 21 I am buckling under the pressure? Or could it be that only now am I truly recognizing my ability to stand on my own and determine what I want?
Nevertheless, there is roughly 5 weeks until the test, 3 diagnostics, 2 jam sessions, 10 more classes, and 3 reviews. I will conquer this as I have been through much worse, though most dreadful occassions come unexpectedly in life. This one's terror, I believe, comes more in the anticipation. And so, the countdown begins...Blech.
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