Looking for my medium

I'm in an LSAT class, which, to most people is a ready indication of your full and adequate desire to attend law school and in most accounts to become an attorney. I still, however, have not overcome the pit of doubt that resides in the bottom of my stomach. I attend my class and study as I can. My blue books are these haunting reminders I carry with me and a weight on my shoulder; the reason I carry a bag rather than a purse. I'm trying really hard to want this and most of the time I do but on days like today I think, is this my dream?

There is this part of me that refuses to take any job, rather do any job that doesn't directly or positively affect other people in a good way. That is why I wanted to do Teach for America, to affect people, to make a difference in their lives. I often look to what I used to want to do and realize I must not look to what I wanted in the past or what made me happy then, because I have evolved and I have changed and I must now look to what makes me happy. I so often look to what might may make a direct impact and am reminded by stories of history, politics and even my family that maybe I don't need to be directly touching someone to impact their life.

What I mean to say is, I often look to programs like TFA or other non profits and volunteerism to directly impact people thinking this is the only way I can impact people; that that may be my only medium or means of reaching the world, making my mark. What I so frequently forget is that if I maintain my integrity and strength of character in what I do, always, I will make that impact in what I do, whatever it may be. That is not to say I no longer want to reach people, but I so narrowly defined my focus. I look at people I admire, newsman from past and present, film makers, artists, writers, even lawyers. Their impact is not always in what they do one on one to meet us in our lives but in the way they interact with us through their public mediums. I'm looking for my passion, for my dream, for my medium. I'm really just looking.

In the meantime, the studying continues....

“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.” -Edward R. Murrow

"Wait for Tomorrow, You'll Be Alright."

When I was little my brother, in an attempt to prove his God-like skills to my sister and I, put my childrens books in the oven. He was trying to highlight the scientific fact that the paper wouldn't melt or burn above or beyond a certain temperature. Of that he was sure. He was so certain and confident in what he said, he was unfaltering in what he knew. So sure that he really put our books in the oven, our beloved stories that we held so dear to our heart.

He was right, the paper didn't burn, it didn't ignite. Nothing happened to the paper. Not a damn thing. We nervously sat, shrieking and screaming, clutching his lean, stronger than our arms begging him to pull the books out and as we did, the glue and the binding that held those invincible pages together began to slowly cook. The books pages began to come apart and soon those stories were less cohesive units but just seperate pages with oozing goop, warm and soft around them. The books were ruined, pages intact.

He had been so confident, but there had been something that he had not accounted for. There are always things we don't account for. My brother, like most of my family, is wise, and has since learned to take into consideration more than just the pages. He doesn't always see the story for the book. My family, for example, sees me now as a law student. I am, taking the lsat prep courses to buy myself some time to see if that is where I should end up, or if I should go where I see myself, TFA or someother noble cause that I deem equally worthy and would be just as priviledged to work for.

In the mean time, I try to put all the pages in order for everyone to read but it seems like they were never meant to go in the right order to begin with. At least not in my stories .