I called it his most redeeming moment, I later realized he needed no redeeming. It was late last summer and my friends and I had decided to do something fun to bring us closer. After a few minutes of telephoning back and forth and awkward ideas being thrown around we settled on white water rafting. I did the research and we settled upon a trip into Buena Vista, $80 for the full day, $50 for the half, lunch on top of a mountain - corn on the cob and steak, salad tossed from a trash bag - and we thought we would have a great time, all of us together. We would be like the babysitters club, or the sister hood of the traveling pants or some other such group of friends realigned for the summer soon to be seperated for the school year. We invited our siblings, me my brother, and they their friends and my excitement slowly began to mount and my friends slowly began to find reasons not to go. Price was to high, family in town, summer was almost over and tension was high, boyfriends were leaving, one day seemed like too much to give and yet not enough. My brother too found no one to accompany us and on the day before what I imagined to be the "WHITEWATER EXTRAVAGANZA" my brother and I sat face to face on the couch with no one but each other.
Dejected and feeling somewhat alone I kind of asked, "We aren't going to go, are we?" He didn't fully answer but I realized he was looking up hotels in Buena Vista to avoid the early morning drive, I knew that anything on the am side of noon was not something that was appealing to my brother on a non workday and I thought maybe I don't even want to go anymore. All the hotels were booked up and in my dramatically tragic manner, I took it as a sign. At 5am the next morning, the alarm blared and I don't know if I woke him up or he woke me up but we went, and we drove - fast to boot - and we had fun together.
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be invited or included in what goes on, like I should sit on the outside and look in. I feel sorry for myself, down on my luck and at those times I have a tendency to look for people to blame when there is no fault. I realize very quickly though, when the hearts of those around me raise me up that when there is love and dedication and family, no matter in what form, there needs no invitation and with that thought my spirit bounces back. I thought mostly that because my brother took me and only me and was so truly dedicated to me that that was his most redeeming moment. As I have grown into myself in the last year, however, I have come to realize that his dedication was and is always ever present and that was just one of my favorite memories. He never needed redeeming, at least not in my eyes. My brother has always been a bad ass and the one that lifts my spirit.
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